Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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