if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
