afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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