fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
