Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
