DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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