What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
