You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
