i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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