Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
