I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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