My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
