I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.