i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
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ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.