I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell