We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.