Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
