This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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