what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
