I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
