if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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