I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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