i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
