I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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