saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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