Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
