If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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