OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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