the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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