just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
