I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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