Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
