In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
