Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
how drunk are you?
Several
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
