Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
