I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
