She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I need to align my fucking chakras
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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