she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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