I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
