I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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