I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
