So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
