why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
