i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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