i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
