4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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