Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
