Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Randomize
