Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
