I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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