all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
