peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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