she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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