I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
