my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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