I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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