apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
