Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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