I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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